Who are you? Really. part 3. Love.

“A man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.” Oscar Wilde

IN THE BEGINNING

Oh the fresh scent of flowers first given in love. 

 How bright is the sun, how sweet every bite,every morsel of food, how lovely the world with the dawn of new love.

The crap that one will spew when they are caught in the new relationship daze. Its almost intolerable if your an outsider, a witness to all the beauty and blindness.

The games people play are not limited to some of us. All of us have at one time or another participated in the house of mirrors illusion of prospecting for new love.

It is part of being human. The males puff out their chests, dress up or at least clean up. The women get hair and nails done, bring out the “good” underwear and shave their legs.

I call this “The interview phase.”

The first date is just like a job interview. Depending on how badly you need the job that is how hard your going to try to impress. If its been awhile since the heels hit the pavement your going to take extra time mussing and fussing. You don’t even know what a tie clip is but your going to wear it after you look up how and where to put it on on YouTube. You pull out her chair, she doesn’t curse or chew gum once during the entire meal. Your sitting up straight drinking only a sip of wine and please and thank you are your every other word.

 Its interesting when romancing the bone how polite a person can be. Your conversation is around the edges you don’t want to reveal too much for fear that your closet full of skeletons will come out ruining any chance you might have of getting the job.

Ask yourself this; am I betting all my happiness is tied in to this relationship working or failing?

The key to surviving the “interview” is to keep your eyes wide open. People always show you who they are. By putting your blinders on you risk a possible lifelong disaster. You should scrutinize your partner with same seriousness as buying a house, choosing a lifelong career, buying a really good steak.

 People put more time into choosing the car they are going to buy than to who they are going to date. This is not only ridiculous its irresponsible. The high rate of divorce is a testament to that. We choose our mate for various personal reasons, it seems the reasons are so wrapped up in past trauma, insecurities and flawed expectations the partnerships can't succeed. Your time is valuable. Make sure your partner deserves you.

Close your eyes and think about how long forever is. Imagine you future child with “he is so funny.” or “she is so cute.” Is he funny enough for eternity? Is she cute enough for forever?

If “John Doe” grabs the waitress's ass after she takes your order you can bet your sweet buns that this womanizing philanderer is not a keeper.

If “Jane Doe” asks you if you think the girl at the other table is prettier than her with a dead serious stare get away fast. This low self esteem drama seeker is showing herself.

I 'm not saying you can't enjoy the splendor of new romance. What I am saying is that sometimes you can stop the nightmare before it happens if you pay attention.

The salad days of a new relationship are like nothing else in life. A mutual attraction can give you wonderful breathless moments of joy. There is nothing like the first kiss, the first time you hold hands, the first time you realize that the feelings your having are being shared are so special, so sweet but the reality check is that this is just an interview. The truth is many people will say anything to get in to another persons pants.

Science dictates that the chemicals released during feelings of heightened sexual arousal literally make you feel high. This is natures way of making sure our species survives, period. When the body releases this very special endorphin, dopamine brew it is trying to get you to get it on. This can turn Mr. Right now into Mr. Right in an instant of blind lust.

The time period to stop releasing the love juice and finally start dating is about 2 to 3 months this is pretty consistent. This is the time when you stop getting butterflies in your stomach when they call, no longer get visibly excited when they come into view and do not notice if they don't call. 3 months and this internal somersault eases gradually down until one day it is no longer noticeable. This is love.

 When science stops enticing you to drool in his/her presence to make sure you reproduce and you still want to be with them that's love. Choosing to be together freely without the chemical overload that is love. A conscious decision. This is the truth your mother should have told you.

 It doesn't matter whether you believe true love to be possible it is being able to recognize the real thing from the feeling of " I just don't want to be alone right now."

Story Time

My version of these famous tales bring the point home, I hope.

The scorpion and the frog

There was a little frog sitting by the side of the river. He was getting ready for his swim across when he was approached by a scorpion.

Please carry me across on your back begged the scorpion. I need to get to the other side of this river and you know I cannot swim.

I cannot carry you on my back said the frog. I am afraid that you will sting me and I do not want to die.

I will not sting you said the scorpion. It would not make any sense to sting you. By hurting you I hurt myself please carry me across.

The frog sat thinking about this for a while and eventually said yes.

The scorpion climbed onto the frogs back and the frog began swimming across the river.

When the frog had reached the middle of the river the scorpion stung the frog.

Why have you stung me asked the frog?

In a moment I will not be able to swim and we will both drown. You promised me you would not sting me.

I know said the scorpion but I could not help it. I am a scorpion.

You cannot change an outcome if it is inevitable.

There are times in your relationship you will hear things you don't want to hear. 

Listen to your partner.  Most people will say exactly what is on their mind you just have to listen.

"I need time to think."

"I don't think this is going to work."

"I need a break."

"We need some time apart."

"I can't take this anymore."

"I can't be monogamous."

"I want you to leave."

"My family (job, career, friends, hobby etc. ) is more important to me than our relationship right now."

"I'm not ready to settle down,"

Insert your own line of those words you don't want to hear here, 

"________________________________________________"

If they are saying it they mean it.  Your goal should not be to change their mind, fix things, or wait until things get better.  These are clear statements with a singular meaning.  

Honor yourself and your partner by taking these words seriously and do what needs to be done no matter how difficult.

  

Self respect is your reward. 

 Although the initial task of letting your partner work out whatever it is that is distressing may seem disastrous, you may be surprised to find that what they needed to figure out and reassess has put them back on track where your relationship is concerned. 

 Not giving them the time however, will almost surely end with negative consequences for you both.

Part 2 - Who are you? Really.

Have you identified yourself yet? We are all in here somewhere. It varies in degrees as to how deep into this persona we are but all of us are here.

This is not the end of your dating life. With the exception of The Beast, who needs professional help, these attributes do not render us dateless. If anything being able to identify how you are behaving may help you to limit or minimize how you are in a relationship and also help you not to become involved with someone that you know would not make a good match. Believe it or not there are some people out there who think its cute that you cracked their password and read their emails. It makes them feel like you really care about them. The yin to your yang so to speak.

We all have pieces of these characteristics. A combo pack is not so bad as long as your not ruled wholeheartedly by any one behavior.

If you can identify your actions you may be able to gather the insight you need to tell you why you behave this way towards others and towards yourself.

NEXT GROUP

Ask yourself these questions:

Why am I so clingy, angry etc.?

What am I afraid of?

Who am I mimicking with this behavior?

How can I start to feel better about myself? About this relationship?

What do I need to be happy?

What do I need to do to feel fulfilled?

Is something missing from my life?

Why is my relationship good for me?

Why is my relationship bad for me?

Am I repeating a pattern of behavior?

Am I dating the same failed characteristic over and over again?

How can I change any part of what is destructive to me?

What can I eliminate to change my outcome?

Try to answer any of these questions with absolute honesty. Again I can't stress this enough don't ever lie to yourself. Its the only way your ever going to get to the other side of this.

You also have to consider that you are great just the way you are and that it may be your choice in a mate that is flawed. Again this is where you have to be completely honest with your role in unhappy.

Your have a major role in your unhappy life.  Print out the questions and answer them.  It will change the way you view your love life by opening up the way you see yourself.

Who are you? Really>

Who are you really?

I have separated people in to a type. These categories are meant for you to identify who you are in your relationship and also to help you identify who you are dating, breaking up with, or seeking. By knowing the type of person you are or pointing out who you are generally attracted to, you can pin point the

behavior attached to the “type” and then we can research what it is that your doing to sabotage your life as a couple.

The key here is honesty. I firmly believe the statistics that say people lie in one form or another several times a day. Never ever never lie to yourself. It may make it easier to do this exercise if you look at the categories while facing a mirror. Your facing yourself; now tell the truth. It may be ugly it may be embarrassing but until your honest with yourself you will never be in a functioning relationship.

The categories are pretty specific and self explanatory.

Note: If more than a few people have called you a stalker, even jokingly, then you are probably a stalker.

A true friend will point out your crazy and try to get you to talk about it so admit it so we can move on.

1- The Sucker – This person is nice, very nice; too nice. He/she goes out of their way to pay for everything, say super supporting things, care for the other person physically, mentally and financially. They do it without requesting anything from the partner. They get no praise or appreciation.

2 - “Special” - This guy/girl is awesome, great, fantastic. They are doing so well they don't need anything or anyone including a partner. They are royalty to themselves and expect to be treated that way. Anything less and they can't believe the nerve. This person creates and participates with 100% energy given to as much drama as possible. They are better than anyone else and they don't care who knows it.

3 – The cling on – This one breaths your oxygen. They cant live without you and they want you to know it. They are not shy about letting other people or animals know how much they need you. They will show up at your job, at your parents house, at your night out with friends. You may need a restraining order if you try to break up with this one.

4 – Martyr – This person does it all. Anything and everything is taken care of. He /she is tireless in their efforts to do any an all tasks. The problem is they also complain regularly about doing it “all.” They are also relentless in letting you and anyone with ears know how much they do for you. This control freak dominates with coordinating schedules and eliminating things from your life “they” feel you don't need.

5 – The BFF – This is your best friend forever with forever being the operative word here. This is the person who always seems to be hanging around when you need something. To be fair he/she is there when you need them in proper bff fashion. You can call on them anytime for a flat tire or a broken heart. Now try to get into a relationship with someone outside of the duo. This love triangle will break you. Your best friend will do whatever It takes to point out the less than perfect in your mate. They will show up on dates accidentally and forget to tell you the message when your date calls. This is a wedge that will kill desire. Your bff has a crush on you and will never let anyone in.

6 – Savior – You can't help but bring home strays. Stray animals or stray people. These boyfriends/girlfriends will date anyone that needs a place to stay, some money, help of any kind. Why do you need to date them? If you have the desire to help others do it, just don't take them home.

7 – Invisible – The invisible man/woman simply exists. They don't participate in the relationship at all. Either they don't know how or simply don't care, the reason is not important. This non partner feels that breathing is all that is necessary for you to continue to see them. No effort whatsoever, and what is worse is they never understand your frustration at the lack of input and energy it takes to make another person feel important, loved and cared for.

8 – The Historian – This record keeper keeps track of everything that has ever happened in your relationship. They have archives of arguments, faults and negative situations at their disposal. They unleash their arsenal whenever you disagree. They feel throwing the past up in your face somehow makes the fight more meaningful. They will also bring up your past relationships, what your parents and friends said in the past and somehow insert all of that into whatever is happening now.

9 - The Downer – The glass half empty fun killer. This partner will find the ironic, sadistic, depressing, mean, angry or sad in every situation. The happier the occasion the sadder it is according to this joy breaker. It doesn't concern them how upsetting this is to you because they have to let you know what is wrong. Misery loves company so don't share your hopes, desire or ambition with this partner without expecting the worse.

10 – Daddy's Little Girl/Momma's Boy – This has a “Psycho” ring to it. The obsession that Norman Bates has with his mother is so unhealthy that, to put it lightly, it hinders his ability to have a meaningful relationship. You or your mate may not be a killer but this does not make a good partner. The key to this identity is the comparison to your parents. This person idolizes their parents so much that he or she wants to date them. They constantly compare you to their great mom or dad and become too disappointed if you don't measure up. This person will also break up with you if mom or dad do not approve of the relationship. They are still attached to the umbilical cord.

11 – The Spy – This person puts James Bond to shame. They can hack into your computer, break into your facebook page and decipher your passwords. They secretly break into your phone read your texts and “interview” your friends and family regularly to make sure you remain under tight surveillance. They don't discuss any breach in your security because they either feel they are saving you from yourself or even though they are acting crazy they are sane enough to know you would probably leave them and or change all of your passwords. To say that trust is an issue would be an understatement.

12 – The Finger – This person gets through life with the absolute certainty that everything is definitely without a doubt someone else s fault. All blame for anything that goes wrong or is remotely negative is assigned to someone else. They didn't do it, whatever it is. They constantly want to know why does this always happen to them. This is the person that not only throws the pity party but is the guest of honor. “Why me?” is the question always.

13 – Are You My Mother? - This person does not want to be responsible for him or herself. This person is looking for a mother or father figure to guide them. They not only feel that they need someone to tell them where to work, what to do, how to spend their money etc. they like it. They seek out one who “will take care of everything.” They don't know how much money is in the bank because their surrogate parent holds the checkbook. This makes life easy for them. They don't concern themselves with how much work this gives you. They eventually revert back to infant giving up all responsibility to their partner. This makes them irresponsible, unpredictable and whether or not you wanted children you have one now.

13b – Mother and Father – This is the parent in this relationship. This person looks for someone that they can rule. They don't want to be with someone that can think for themselves it makes them feel unwanted or not needed. They take charge and never give it back. They control the money, time and dynamics of the relationship.

14 – Master Of The Universe – This person has multiple combo traits. You know who you are. This is The Spy/ Historian, or The BFF/ Martyr. These combo's are not fine attributes by themselves and together they are what make people say at the end of your relationship “he or she was crazy!”

15 – The Chameleon – I am whoever you want me to be. This person has low self esteem and has not found who they really are so they conform. They are like molded clay. They will let their partner buy their clothes, choose their hair style and pretty much make them a life size doll. They can maintain this facade for quite awhile and then they will eventually slowly revert to who they were before, when you met them. They will begin to resent you for turning them into your pet project and you will resent the change back. Its a disaster for both of you.

16 – The Cheater – This person is trying to beat some secret personal best. They want to have a sexual relationship with everything that moves. Your sister, your best friend, your mother is not safe from getting hit on by this record holder. They don't know the meaning of monogamy and they don't care. They are charming and charismatic and probably have a sexually transmitted disease. When caught or confronted this person pleads the fifth and then texts his “real” partner that he/she will be right over. They cant be stopped with a 12 step or a lethal virus so don't catch whatever it is.

17 – The Beast – This is the abuser. There are many ways to hurt someone and this person wants to do it. They seek out their prey and then ease their way into a trust that they violate regularly. Whether you are being verbally, psychologically or physically abused this is the taboo. Learn to protect yourself from these predators and get out now.

ABUSE HOTLINE

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

www.thehotline.org

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

This is part 1 of a 3 part series.  Please give your comments and feedback is always welcome and encouraged.  If your have your own personality type or character that you would like me to add please email me at thegoodenoughlover@gmail.com

Are You Damaged?

ARE YOU DAMAGED?

Don t let anyone change you. The fact is that you will eventually start to resent it. When you are living a life that is not for yourself it suffocates you. It is difficult to maintain a relationship that is not compatible it is even more difficult if one of you is pretending to be someone you are not.

The truth is, a right relationship will not require that you become different. A relationship will have a better chance of success if your partner knows and accepts you just the way you are now and visa versa. If you feel that you need to improve yourself because you are not satisfied with your own feelings and behavior it has to be your choice to do so. Your chances for successful self improvement are more likely if you do so with your own free will. Don t let anyone fix you.

Keeping this in mind you cannot change anyone anyway. You cannot change them or fix them ever not with prayer, black magic, white magic, faith, hope or love. Trying to do so is futile.

 You cant change them if you give them more time, have more patience or point them literally in the right direction or rather the direction you want them to go. You may slow down their progression into the abyss but in the end they will go and do whatever it is they are doing that is breaking your heart and then they will walk over your suffering body in the process. 

You cannot stop someone from hurting you and you cannot make someone stay with you if they don't want to. Women have walked away from their homes, their children, money. Men have walked away from pregnant wives and newborns, jobs, relatives and money. Men and women will go when the desire moves them and there is nothing you can do about it. 

 Throughout history men and women have walked away from power, nations, kingdoms what makes you think your going to be the first ever to change a persons mind. Its not going to happen.

The destruction in the relationship can be anything from infidelity to dependency on drugs and or alcohol. Obsessive compulsion related to working too much to an adrenaline junky it doesn't matter what pulls them away, someone who is interested in maintaining a relationship with you will curb these desires and you should feel loved.

 They will take the time and effort necessary to meet your needs.

The important thing is to assess what your needs are. Can you be involved with a police officer who risks his life daily and has to deal with heavy emotional baggage? Can you be supportive and understanding of a physician who has long hours and demanding schedules? Can you put up with the irregular salary of a wanna be actor? 

  This is not the responsibility of your partner. You have to have realistic expectations with reasonable support and reactions depending on what the relationship expects from you. You cannot go into a relationship with the expectation that your partner is good but, your going to make them better, faster, smarter whatever that's impossible it will never happen and yo will never find happiness that way.

You also have every right to expect the exact same support from your partner with regard to you. This can all be determined before marriage and children. You need to make these assessments of yourself. Find out what you need in order to be happy and also what you can give of yourself to another. Make a list of what the deal breakers are and stick to it. If you know you need constant affection and within the first few weeks of dating the new person cannot even hold your hand walk away. It may sound minute but your happiness may depend on this one issue. Why would you settle for less than what you need.

For both of you to be happy it must be a mutual exchange of whatever it is you both desire. This is the secret to happy couples. If you are both getting what you need from the relationship you are happy to give the other person what they need. It is that simple.