When bad relationships go bad

WHEN BAD RELATIONSHIPS GO BAD

Once upon a time there was this boy and this girl. They met and instantly knew that things were ok when they were together.

Even though there were no fireworks and they knew that this was no where near what love should be they stayed together anyway because well they had nothing better to do at the time.

They passed the time with one another, they didn't really have anything in common, they really didn't see things the same way even important things like how to raise children, family values or relationship values yet they stayed together passing the time.

They pretty much lived as roommates, existing through life but never feeling really alive. Years went by and even though they argued about simple things they didn't agree on and important things they didn't agree on they married anyway.

They secretly didn't like one another and this was obvious to everyone around them so it was not much of a secret.

The children came one after another and they felt very disconnected because they had never talked about their differences and as the kids grew the kids noticed the strange way that their parents never connected but because the boy and girl stayed together their kids thought that this was the way a relationship was supposed to be and they were doomed to have the same kind of unhappy love life.

The boy and girl sometimes dreamed about what life would be like if they had met a person that actually made them feel happy but now too many years had passed and they just stayed together passing the time.

Misery and sadness was the only life they knew and it was easy for them to stray into other lives and other relationships which only created more misery and sadness.

Until one day they separated and the children who had never learned to relate properly were torn apart and anger and resentment which had filled all of their lives was the only emotion they knew since they had been living with it since they met.

The (sad, terrible) End.

Does any of this sound familiar? Don't let this be your story.

If your just starting out and you know this is just a fill in relationship get out, its not fair to either one of you to let it get out of your hands.

If your past that and have children, don't take out your bad choices on one another or the children. You chose this path now you must admit it and remove the anger and animosity from your wasted time. If your partner cannot release with grace have the guts to be the bigger loser and bow out. No one else needs to suffer due to your bad choice. You stayed with this person too long to blame them. You are the master of your own destiny move on with dignity. Accept your role in this unfulfilled life and don't receive nor give any more pain.

Love your children and start living.

The Biology of Bar Love

THE BIOLOGY OF BAR LOVE

True love seems to be on the radar for most everyone. Why is it that although we say we are searching for true love we settle for any type of attention that comes our way.

Most don't admit to settling for bar love. It would diminish our relationships and make them seem like a waste of time.

There is a separation of the human body and the human mind.

The human body has no need for commitment, monogamy, and happily ever after. The human mind however has convinced us that what we need is so much more than the biological.

Biology 101

Male sexual arousal:

A man's sense of sexual arousal can be very subtle. Most men are conditioned through their experiences as to what it is they find attractive. All he needs is a familiar scent, or a slight caress. He may get aroused with a look or gesture. A man does not need much to experience sexual excitement and erection. The progression is excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

Female sexual arousal:

A woman's sexual response is connected to her mind and body. A woman is aroused through her various systems, sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. As with a man a woman is conditioned through her experiences as to what she finds attractive. A woman's arousal includes her endocrine, nervous, hormonal, cardiovascular, respiratory and reproductive system. How complex! The progression is desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

The complexity of the human system for reproduction is voided out in any environment where our senses are dulled such as with alcohol and or other substances. When a man or woman is in an environment where a suitable mate is spotted logic goes out the window and fireworks happen.

This wonderful sensation you are experiencing is natures way of making sure we reproduce. This exciting bliss is the animal kingdom guarding us from extinction.

We continue the mating ritual despite all the warnings because of all the chemicals released during the initial reproductive cycle. This is why 30 – 60 days into dating when the chemical reaction of dopamine and other feel good endorphins are no longer being released we begin to recognize crazy in all its glory.

You couldn't see the trouble because of the haze. We ignore anything blatantly obvious about how not right this union is so that we could mate without guilt.

Bar Love.

If you know that you are literally wearing rose colored glasses due to a large dose of chemicals being released step away from the situation. Listen to those around you, if there are many, that are saying how bad this person is for you or how unhealthy your relationship is. WAKE UP and realize that you don't have to give in to your animal nature. That you can wait out the biological bar love for the real thing.

Welcome to fantasy Island

Butterflies; 1but-er-fly pronunciation\3-a feeling of hollowness or queasiness caused especially by emotional or nervous tension or anxious anticipation.

Fantasy Island is a beautiful place.  Its excitement and thrills. Its anticipation of new hope of the persons arrival at your door coming to whisk you away.  Its goose pimples and giddy.   Its fresh and beautiful.  Its everything you imagine and more. Butterflies in your stomach awaiting a phone call or text.  
 The greatness of new love, the first kiss, the wonder of another's touch.  The dreams of the future life.
 The excitement of new love keeps us searching and hoping even after countless heartache.  We need it, long for it and crave it.  To swim in ecstasy and drown in desire for another.
I know Fantasy Island well.  I used to live there.  I know many people who still live there despite knowing that none of it is real.
Its easy on Fantasy Island to forget about the stress of real life.  Your so busy preparing to meet your love, thinking about love, waiting for your love, loving on your love you have forgotten where you really are.
  On Fantasy Island there are no money problems because you don't share bills.
 On Fantasy Island there are no family issues because you don't have a family together.
 On Fantasy Island living in a fantasy world is easy because you are not yet dealing with real life issues or challenges.
You have no idea how this new wonderful person in your life is going to react or deal with serious life.  Your going to have to wait until the time is invested to find out, which for some of us is too late.
Its puts on damper on Fantasy Island when you bring up and want to talk about "real" life but it needs to be done.
You have to wake up and come out of the haze for a minute or 2 to discuss the issues that are important to you so that when your ready to leave the Island, your coming into the world with this person in a transition, moving on to the next step with choice rather than thrust into the knowledge that you are not on the same page about anything 4 or 5 months later. This is the sadness that overwhelms you when the Fantasy is over and you realize none of it was real.

Love does not exist.
It does not exist the way most people think.
The way love is portrayed in movies,  in novels and on television is not reality.
We want that though, we want to delude ourselves into believing fantasy love is real.  Fantasy love doesn't usually happen to real people.

 Love is not automatic.
Love is earned, love can grow over time, love can evolve, love can be expressed but it is a thought based on a decision.
Love can be an action.  The action we take on behalf of another that does not benefit ourselves directly or indirectly.
Love can be the acceptance of another, warts and all.
Love can be forgiveness.
Love can be the pain we experience when we think of those no longer in our presence either through distance or loss.
Love can be the care we provide to those we are required to care for and the care we provide to those just because.

Love is especially what you have when you have discussed the heart and soul of yourselves and a mutual understanding and trust leads you off the island and into the real bliss which is ever after with the right one for you.

I wish for everyone to find experience and keep love..  Happy Valentines Day.

We don't have sex anymore.

"Don't allow your animal nature to rule your reason."  Rumi

Trying to keep somebody that doesn't want to stay is not going to happen. 

 Trying to keep someone who is not worth keeping is also ridiculous.

 Many people have done many crazy things in the name of love.

 We are the information age with more and more people doing yoga, eating right, talking things out, educating themselves and so dysfunction of this magnitude is unbelievable.  

Relationships are not surviving. 

The reasons are obvious unless your in a failing relationship then the reasons are obvious to everyone but you. 

Sometimes its that: You don't see eye to eye

                               You can't communicate properly

                               Your afraid of change

                               You no longer feel attraction

                               Your partner does not show affection

                               Your really stressed

                               Your partner is really stressed 

etc, etc, etc.........

The reason your relationship does not work is going to point you in the direction of what you need to do to either fix what is wrong or walk away.

The old fashioned Pros's and Con's list comes into play.

Why do you stay?

The preservation of the family unit is usually the answer to this one.  "For the sake of the children" is often the excuse used to maintain contact with a person you can't even stand to eat with. 

 (If there are no children get out as soon as possible.  Why are you holding on to a miserable life?)

This is a horrible reason to stay with your partner. 

 If you are arguing constantly, talking at one another with anger and contempt, ignoring one another and treating one another generally awful your children notice this.  

You are teaching by example that misery is the life they can expect as adults.

You are showing them that a couple that does not need to resolve conflict or get along to live together in absolute sadness. You are telling them that adults are unhappy and if they become involved with people that make them feel bad about themselves or life in general its OK to stay with them and reproduce and be unhappy because that's all there is.

That pretty much filled up your Con's list also.  

If your just hitting a hard spot, which happens, but you are generally pretty good together, communicating well and HAVING SEX than get to the other side of your rough patch by getting to the root of whatever the problem is.  

A long term relationship has its own special way of being together.  If talking it out is your thing do it.  If you guys need time alone make it happen, do what it takes to get to the other side, DO THE WORK.  Great love is not something that crosses every one's path. If you have it keep it, nurture it and feed it whatever it needs as long as its within your parameters for happy.  

Not having sex or experiencing intimacy with your partner is one of the signs that things need to change.

Sex is the one thing you do with your partner that you do not share with anyone else.  

SEX gets its own chapter.

                                

                              

                                 

Who are you? Really. part 3. Love.

“A man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.” Oscar Wilde

IN THE BEGINNING

Oh the fresh scent of flowers first given in love. 

 How bright is the sun, how sweet every bite,every morsel of food, how lovely the world with the dawn of new love.

The crap that one will spew when they are caught in the new relationship daze. Its almost intolerable if your an outsider, a witness to all the beauty and blindness.

The games people play are not limited to some of us. All of us have at one time or another participated in the house of mirrors illusion of prospecting for new love.

It is part of being human. The males puff out their chests, dress up or at least clean up. The women get hair and nails done, bring out the “good” underwear and shave their legs.

I call this “The interview phase.”

The first date is just like a job interview. Depending on how badly you need the job that is how hard your going to try to impress. If its been awhile since the heels hit the pavement your going to take extra time mussing and fussing. You don’t even know what a tie clip is but your going to wear it after you look up how and where to put it on on YouTube. You pull out her chair, she doesn’t curse or chew gum once during the entire meal. Your sitting up straight drinking only a sip of wine and please and thank you are your every other word.

 Its interesting when romancing the bone how polite a person can be. Your conversation is around the edges you don’t want to reveal too much for fear that your closet full of skeletons will come out ruining any chance you might have of getting the job.

Ask yourself this; am I betting all my happiness is tied in to this relationship working or failing?

The key to surviving the “interview” is to keep your eyes wide open. People always show you who they are. By putting your blinders on you risk a possible lifelong disaster. You should scrutinize your partner with same seriousness as buying a house, choosing a lifelong career, buying a really good steak.

 People put more time into choosing the car they are going to buy than to who they are going to date. This is not only ridiculous its irresponsible. The high rate of divorce is a testament to that. We choose our mate for various personal reasons, it seems the reasons are so wrapped up in past trauma, insecurities and flawed expectations the partnerships can't succeed. Your time is valuable. Make sure your partner deserves you.

Close your eyes and think about how long forever is. Imagine you future child with “he is so funny.” or “she is so cute.” Is he funny enough for eternity? Is she cute enough for forever?

If “John Doe” grabs the waitress's ass after she takes your order you can bet your sweet buns that this womanizing philanderer is not a keeper.

If “Jane Doe” asks you if you think the girl at the other table is prettier than her with a dead serious stare get away fast. This low self esteem drama seeker is showing herself.

I 'm not saying you can't enjoy the splendor of new romance. What I am saying is that sometimes you can stop the nightmare before it happens if you pay attention.

The salad days of a new relationship are like nothing else in life. A mutual attraction can give you wonderful breathless moments of joy. There is nothing like the first kiss, the first time you hold hands, the first time you realize that the feelings your having are being shared are so special, so sweet but the reality check is that this is just an interview. The truth is many people will say anything to get in to another persons pants.

Science dictates that the chemicals released during feelings of heightened sexual arousal literally make you feel high. This is natures way of making sure our species survives, period. When the body releases this very special endorphin, dopamine brew it is trying to get you to get it on. This can turn Mr. Right now into Mr. Right in an instant of blind lust.

The time period to stop releasing the love juice and finally start dating is about 2 to 3 months this is pretty consistent. This is the time when you stop getting butterflies in your stomach when they call, no longer get visibly excited when they come into view and do not notice if they don't call. 3 months and this internal somersault eases gradually down until one day it is no longer noticeable. This is love.

 When science stops enticing you to drool in his/her presence to make sure you reproduce and you still want to be with them that's love. Choosing to be together freely without the chemical overload that is love. A conscious decision. This is the truth your mother should have told you.

 It doesn't matter whether you believe true love to be possible it is being able to recognize the real thing from the feeling of " I just don't want to be alone right now."

Story Time

My version of these famous tales bring the point home, I hope.

The scorpion and the frog

There was a little frog sitting by the side of the river. He was getting ready for his swim across when he was approached by a scorpion.

Please carry me across on your back begged the scorpion. I need to get to the other side of this river and you know I cannot swim.

I cannot carry you on my back said the frog. I am afraid that you will sting me and I do not want to die.

I will not sting you said the scorpion. It would not make any sense to sting you. By hurting you I hurt myself please carry me across.

The frog sat thinking about this for a while and eventually said yes.

The scorpion climbed onto the frogs back and the frog began swimming across the river.

When the frog had reached the middle of the river the scorpion stung the frog.

Why have you stung me asked the frog?

In a moment I will not be able to swim and we will both drown. You promised me you would not sting me.

I know said the scorpion but I could not help it. I am a scorpion.

You cannot change an outcome if it is inevitable.

There are times in your relationship you will hear things you don't want to hear. 

Listen to your partner.  Most people will say exactly what is on their mind you just have to listen.

"I need time to think."

"I don't think this is going to work."

"I need a break."

"We need some time apart."

"I can't take this anymore."

"I can't be monogamous."

"I want you to leave."

"My family (job, career, friends, hobby etc. ) is more important to me than our relationship right now."

"I'm not ready to settle down,"

Insert your own line of those words you don't want to hear here, 

"________________________________________________"

If they are saying it they mean it.  Your goal should not be to change their mind, fix things, or wait until things get better.  These are clear statements with a singular meaning.  

Honor yourself and your partner by taking these words seriously and do what needs to be done no matter how difficult.

  

Self respect is your reward. 

 Although the initial task of letting your partner work out whatever it is that is distressing may seem disastrous, you may be surprised to find that what they needed to figure out and reassess has put them back on track where your relationship is concerned. 

 Not giving them the time however, will almost surely end with negative consequences for you both.

Part 2 - Who are you? Really.

Have you identified yourself yet? We are all in here somewhere. It varies in degrees as to how deep into this persona we are but all of us are here.

This is not the end of your dating life. With the exception of The Beast, who needs professional help, these attributes do not render us dateless. If anything being able to identify how you are behaving may help you to limit or minimize how you are in a relationship and also help you not to become involved with someone that you know would not make a good match. Believe it or not there are some people out there who think its cute that you cracked their password and read their emails. It makes them feel like you really care about them. The yin to your yang so to speak.

We all have pieces of these characteristics. A combo pack is not so bad as long as your not ruled wholeheartedly by any one behavior.

If you can identify your actions you may be able to gather the insight you need to tell you why you behave this way towards others and towards yourself.

NEXT GROUP

Ask yourself these questions:

Why am I so clingy, angry etc.?

What am I afraid of?

Who am I mimicking with this behavior?

How can I start to feel better about myself? About this relationship?

What do I need to be happy?

What do I need to do to feel fulfilled?

Is something missing from my life?

Why is my relationship good for me?

Why is my relationship bad for me?

Am I repeating a pattern of behavior?

Am I dating the same failed characteristic over and over again?

How can I change any part of what is destructive to me?

What can I eliminate to change my outcome?

Try to answer any of these questions with absolute honesty. Again I can't stress this enough don't ever lie to yourself. Its the only way your ever going to get to the other side of this.

You also have to consider that you are great just the way you are and that it may be your choice in a mate that is flawed. Again this is where you have to be completely honest with your role in unhappy.

Your have a major role in your unhappy life.  Print out the questions and answer them.  It will change the way you view your love life by opening up the way you see yourself.

Who are you? Really>

Who are you really?

I have separated people in to a type. These categories are meant for you to identify who you are in your relationship and also to help you identify who you are dating, breaking up with, or seeking. By knowing the type of person you are or pointing out who you are generally attracted to, you can pin point the

behavior attached to the “type” and then we can research what it is that your doing to sabotage your life as a couple.

The key here is honesty. I firmly believe the statistics that say people lie in one form or another several times a day. Never ever never lie to yourself. It may make it easier to do this exercise if you look at the categories while facing a mirror. Your facing yourself; now tell the truth. It may be ugly it may be embarrassing but until your honest with yourself you will never be in a functioning relationship.

The categories are pretty specific and self explanatory.

Note: If more than a few people have called you a stalker, even jokingly, then you are probably a stalker.

A true friend will point out your crazy and try to get you to talk about it so admit it so we can move on.

1- The Sucker – This person is nice, very nice; too nice. He/she goes out of their way to pay for everything, say super supporting things, care for the other person physically, mentally and financially. They do it without requesting anything from the partner. They get no praise or appreciation.

2 - “Special” - This guy/girl is awesome, great, fantastic. They are doing so well they don't need anything or anyone including a partner. They are royalty to themselves and expect to be treated that way. Anything less and they can't believe the nerve. This person creates and participates with 100% energy given to as much drama as possible. They are better than anyone else and they don't care who knows it.

3 – The cling on – This one breaths your oxygen. They cant live without you and they want you to know it. They are not shy about letting other people or animals know how much they need you. They will show up at your job, at your parents house, at your night out with friends. You may need a restraining order if you try to break up with this one.

4 – Martyr – This person does it all. Anything and everything is taken care of. He /she is tireless in their efforts to do any an all tasks. The problem is they also complain regularly about doing it “all.” They are also relentless in letting you and anyone with ears know how much they do for you. This control freak dominates with coordinating schedules and eliminating things from your life “they” feel you don't need.

5 – The BFF – This is your best friend forever with forever being the operative word here. This is the person who always seems to be hanging around when you need something. To be fair he/she is there when you need them in proper bff fashion. You can call on them anytime for a flat tire or a broken heart. Now try to get into a relationship with someone outside of the duo. This love triangle will break you. Your best friend will do whatever It takes to point out the less than perfect in your mate. They will show up on dates accidentally and forget to tell you the message when your date calls. This is a wedge that will kill desire. Your bff has a crush on you and will never let anyone in.

6 – Savior – You can't help but bring home strays. Stray animals or stray people. These boyfriends/girlfriends will date anyone that needs a place to stay, some money, help of any kind. Why do you need to date them? If you have the desire to help others do it, just don't take them home.

7 – Invisible – The invisible man/woman simply exists. They don't participate in the relationship at all. Either they don't know how or simply don't care, the reason is not important. This non partner feels that breathing is all that is necessary for you to continue to see them. No effort whatsoever, and what is worse is they never understand your frustration at the lack of input and energy it takes to make another person feel important, loved and cared for.

8 – The Historian – This record keeper keeps track of everything that has ever happened in your relationship. They have archives of arguments, faults and negative situations at their disposal. They unleash their arsenal whenever you disagree. They feel throwing the past up in your face somehow makes the fight more meaningful. They will also bring up your past relationships, what your parents and friends said in the past and somehow insert all of that into whatever is happening now.

9 - The Downer – The glass half empty fun killer. This partner will find the ironic, sadistic, depressing, mean, angry or sad in every situation. The happier the occasion the sadder it is according to this joy breaker. It doesn't concern them how upsetting this is to you because they have to let you know what is wrong. Misery loves company so don't share your hopes, desire or ambition with this partner without expecting the worse.

10 – Daddy's Little Girl/Momma's Boy – This has a “Psycho” ring to it. The obsession that Norman Bates has with his mother is so unhealthy that, to put it lightly, it hinders his ability to have a meaningful relationship. You or your mate may not be a killer but this does not make a good partner. The key to this identity is the comparison to your parents. This person idolizes their parents so much that he or she wants to date them. They constantly compare you to their great mom or dad and become too disappointed if you don't measure up. This person will also break up with you if mom or dad do not approve of the relationship. They are still attached to the umbilical cord.

11 – The Spy – This person puts James Bond to shame. They can hack into your computer, break into your facebook page and decipher your passwords. They secretly break into your phone read your texts and “interview” your friends and family regularly to make sure you remain under tight surveillance. They don't discuss any breach in your security because they either feel they are saving you from yourself or even though they are acting crazy they are sane enough to know you would probably leave them and or change all of your passwords. To say that trust is an issue would be an understatement.

12 – The Finger – This person gets through life with the absolute certainty that everything is definitely without a doubt someone else s fault. All blame for anything that goes wrong or is remotely negative is assigned to someone else. They didn't do it, whatever it is. They constantly want to know why does this always happen to them. This is the person that not only throws the pity party but is the guest of honor. “Why me?” is the question always.

13 – Are You My Mother? - This person does not want to be responsible for him or herself. This person is looking for a mother or father figure to guide them. They not only feel that they need someone to tell them where to work, what to do, how to spend their money etc. they like it. They seek out one who “will take care of everything.” They don't know how much money is in the bank because their surrogate parent holds the checkbook. This makes life easy for them. They don't concern themselves with how much work this gives you. They eventually revert back to infant giving up all responsibility to their partner. This makes them irresponsible, unpredictable and whether or not you wanted children you have one now.

13b – Mother and Father – This is the parent in this relationship. This person looks for someone that they can rule. They don't want to be with someone that can think for themselves it makes them feel unwanted or not needed. They take charge and never give it back. They control the money, time and dynamics of the relationship.

14 – Master Of The Universe – This person has multiple combo traits. You know who you are. This is The Spy/ Historian, or The BFF/ Martyr. These combo's are not fine attributes by themselves and together they are what make people say at the end of your relationship “he or she was crazy!”

15 – The Chameleon – I am whoever you want me to be. This person has low self esteem and has not found who they really are so they conform. They are like molded clay. They will let their partner buy their clothes, choose their hair style and pretty much make them a life size doll. They can maintain this facade for quite awhile and then they will eventually slowly revert to who they were before, when you met them. They will begin to resent you for turning them into your pet project and you will resent the change back. Its a disaster for both of you.

16 – The Cheater – This person is trying to beat some secret personal best. They want to have a sexual relationship with everything that moves. Your sister, your best friend, your mother is not safe from getting hit on by this record holder. They don't know the meaning of monogamy and they don't care. They are charming and charismatic and probably have a sexually transmitted disease. When caught or confronted this person pleads the fifth and then texts his “real” partner that he/she will be right over. They cant be stopped with a 12 step or a lethal virus so don't catch whatever it is.

17 – The Beast – This is the abuser. There are many ways to hurt someone and this person wants to do it. They seek out their prey and then ease their way into a trust that they violate regularly. Whether you are being verbally, psychologically or physically abused this is the taboo. Learn to protect yourself from these predators and get out now.

ABUSE HOTLINE

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

www.thehotline.org

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

This is part 1 of a 3 part series.  Please give your comments and feedback is always welcome and encouraged.  If your have your own personality type or character that you would like me to add please email me at thegoodenoughlover@gmail.com

Are You Damaged?

ARE YOU DAMAGED?

Don t let anyone change you. The fact is that you will eventually start to resent it. When you are living a life that is not for yourself it suffocates you. It is difficult to maintain a relationship that is not compatible it is even more difficult if one of you is pretending to be someone you are not.

The truth is, a right relationship will not require that you become different. A relationship will have a better chance of success if your partner knows and accepts you just the way you are now and visa versa. If you feel that you need to improve yourself because you are not satisfied with your own feelings and behavior it has to be your choice to do so. Your chances for successful self improvement are more likely if you do so with your own free will. Don t let anyone fix you.

Keeping this in mind you cannot change anyone anyway. You cannot change them or fix them ever not with prayer, black magic, white magic, faith, hope or love. Trying to do so is futile.

 You cant change them if you give them more time, have more patience or point them literally in the right direction or rather the direction you want them to go. You may slow down their progression into the abyss but in the end they will go and do whatever it is they are doing that is breaking your heart and then they will walk over your suffering body in the process. 

You cannot stop someone from hurting you and you cannot make someone stay with you if they don't want to. Women have walked away from their homes, their children, money. Men have walked away from pregnant wives and newborns, jobs, relatives and money. Men and women will go when the desire moves them and there is nothing you can do about it. 

 Throughout history men and women have walked away from power, nations, kingdoms what makes you think your going to be the first ever to change a persons mind. Its not going to happen.

The destruction in the relationship can be anything from infidelity to dependency on drugs and or alcohol. Obsessive compulsion related to working too much to an adrenaline junky it doesn't matter what pulls them away, someone who is interested in maintaining a relationship with you will curb these desires and you should feel loved.

 They will take the time and effort necessary to meet your needs.

The important thing is to assess what your needs are. Can you be involved with a police officer who risks his life daily and has to deal with heavy emotional baggage? Can you be supportive and understanding of a physician who has long hours and demanding schedules? Can you put up with the irregular salary of a wanna be actor? 

  This is not the responsibility of your partner. You have to have realistic expectations with reasonable support and reactions depending on what the relationship expects from you. You cannot go into a relationship with the expectation that your partner is good but, your going to make them better, faster, smarter whatever that's impossible it will never happen and yo will never find happiness that way.

You also have every right to expect the exact same support from your partner with regard to you. This can all be determined before marriage and children. You need to make these assessments of yourself. Find out what you need in order to be happy and also what you can give of yourself to another. Make a list of what the deal breakers are and stick to it. If you know you need constant affection and within the first few weeks of dating the new person cannot even hold your hand walk away. It may sound minute but your happiness may depend on this one issue. Why would you settle for less than what you need.

For both of you to be happy it must be a mutual exchange of whatever it is you both desire. This is the secret to happy couples. If you are both getting what you need from the relationship you are happy to give the other person what they need. It is that simple.